By: Brian Harris
I think it’s Brené Brown who said that “no” is just an invitation to a different conversation. That’s a helpful reminder to dive into opportunity thinking, rather than to assume all is lost when faced with a rejection. But how might this look in practice?
Be Careful What You Pray For
There is an intriguing Latin phrase, numinibus vota exaudita malignis, which roughly translated means “enormous prayers which heaven in vengeance answered”. Attributed to the Roman poet Juvenal, the idea appears in CS Lewis’ writing on prayer, where he notes that some prayers which on the surface seem benign, or even noble, might, if answered in the affirmative, actually do great harm. It might sound nice to get everything we ask for, but it can leave us undisciplined, unrealistic and entitled. Put differently, “all sunshine makes a desert” – and often struggle is a more loyal friend than comfort.
When the “No” Hits Hard
It’s easy to trot this sentiment out, but what about those times when the no isn’t to a request for a second serve of ice cream, but a desperate plea for healing, or restoring a relationship, or finding much needed work? Some things matter, and the “no” response can be a devastating blow.
Framing Rejection with Purpose
The long term impact of each “no” in our life is greatly influenced by how we frame them. See each as a failure, and that is what they become. By contrast, if you view the “no” as moving you one step closer to an appropriate “yes”, you will feel more positive. “No” can help to clarify things. It is usually better than a “perhaps” which, while often meant to soften the blow, can leave you hanging on far too long.
“No” gets us to ponder alternatives. “Well, if it’s not that, then what?” “No” releases us to try new options. It invites us to creativity, and to consider fresh possibilities. I’ve often heard people say, “well, it’s not what I initially planned, but I’m now rather glad that it’s turned out this way.”
“No” also gets us to think about our present situation more carefully. What if it is “no” because we are meant to be where we are? As the saying goes, “the grass isn’t greener on the other side, but where it is watered most.” The children of Israel did not get all the pleasure they could have derived from the manna from heaven simply because their heart was set on meat (Ex 16, Num 11). Some people have been infected with perpetual restlessness, and are never able to reap the harvest of a long innings in one place. Familiarity breeds contempt, and many people have learnt the value of what they had, only after they have lost it.
Knowing the Final Result Changes Everything
I know you are not supposed to, but when watching a televised rugby match once the game is already finished, I always google the result first. Be it the desired result or not, it leaves me so much calmer as I watch. I especially enjoy it if my team wins. When you know the final result, it transforms the way you look at set backs. If the referee makes a bad decision, you remain calm – after all, what does it matter, your team still wins. If the other side gets an easy try – what does it matter? After all, it’s just a consolation prize for them, because you know, your team wins!
So imagine this… What if you could watch an interview of you taken towards the end of your life. In it you hear yourself discuss your life, and it’s many ups and downs. But then you hear yourself say it. “You know what my deepest feeling is? It’s gratitude. I’ve had so many experiences in life, and here I am at 93, just deeply grateful for the fulfilling life I’ve been privileged to have. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has assuredly been good.” If you knew that is what you were going to say towards the end, wouldn’t it change the way you faced the current “no” in your life? Despite the “no”, why not make gratitude at the end a goal. In fact, why not start practicing gratitude now?
Holding On to a Greater Yes
And of course there is more. If you are a follower of Jesus, as many of the readers of this blog are, you have some firm promises to hold onto. Even if during this life you face a perpetual “no”, there is the promise of an eternal “yes”. Paul describes it beautifully in 2 Cor 4:16–18:
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Because of that firm hope, I chose to be grateful each day – be it a yes or a no day. As poet Robert Browning put it, “Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be.”
Article supplied with thanks to Brian Harris.
About the Author: Brian is a speaker, teacher, leader, writer, author and respected theologian who is founding director of the AVENIR Leadership Institute, fostering leaders who will make a positive impact on the world.
Feature image: Canva
