By: Michelle Nortje
Most of us would rather do anything than sit with painful feelings. We scroll, snack, overthink, or keep busy, because sitting with sadness, anger, or shame can often feel unbearable.
Learning to stay present with emotions is one of the most powerful skills we can develop to support our mental health.
Why Sitting with Emotions is So Hard
As a psychologist, I see that much of my work involves supporting clients with emotional regulation. This simply means helping people build resilience and confidence in their ability to tolerate, understand, and manage big feelings without avoiding them. And it’s definitely not an easy skill to master!
Most of us don’t like sitting with difficult thoughts, feelings or sensations because they feel so uncomfortable. Over time, we develop elaborate strategies to avoid them, but ironically, these strategies often lead to even more difficult feelings later on.
Some common avoidance patterns include:
- Intellectualising or overthinking
- Comfort eating or overeating
- Oversleeping
- Staying constantly busy
- Doomscrolling or excessive screen time
- Focusing on helping others to avoid your own feelings
Why It’s Worth Learning to Stay Present
Avoidance gives temporary relief, but it distances us from our inner world and keeps us stuck. Learning to pause and notice our emotions allows us to process them safely, receive their underlying messages, and feel more grounded in ourselves.
When I say “sit with your emotions,” I mean this: when a strong feeling creeps up, pause. Name it. Sit quietly with it for a moment, acknowledging it with compassion and curiosity, rather than quickly sidestepping it. Emotions carry valuable information about our needs and values. Learning to stay present and track our feelings helps us listen to that wisdom directly.
How to Sit with Difficult Emotions
This isn’t about forcing yourself to feel bad or remaining in a state of pain for the sake of it. It’s about building trust in yourself to handle emotions safely, one small step at a time. Here are some gentle practices to get started:
1. Slow It Down
The urge to avoid strong feelings is often automatic. Slowing down and pausing helps us bring awareness to the feeling and the protective behaviour we may be tempted to use. This step often begins with finding a safe place – perhaps your bedroom, your car, or a calming spot in nature.
2. Name the Feeling
Sorting through mixed emotions can take practice, as we often feel more than one emotion at once. Naming them (“I feel sad and anxious”) helps you feel more grounded and reduces their intensity.
3. Notice It in Your Body
Grounding an emotion in bodily sensations helps you “sit with” it more fully. For example, frustration might show up as tension in the jaw, or sadness as heaviness in the chest. Try to support your body in staying regulated when a tough emotion shows up. This might be wrapping yourself with a warm blanket, sitting in the sun, or doing a short breathing exercise.
4. Find Expression
Giving emotions room to move can feel uncomfortable at first, but it often brings relief and even healing later on. This might look like crying, journaling, meditating, or simply sitting quietly with yourself.
5. Acknowledge with Compassion and Curiosity
Compassion and curiosity are superpowers when it comes to discomfort. Turning toward feelings with this mindset helps you understand your internal world rather than running from it. Emotions often point to unmet needs or values that you can redirect to once you’re feeling more regulated and resourced.
So, the next time a big emotion shows up and you feel the urge to distract yourself on your phone, rather try taking a pause. Give yourself a moment to really sit with your experience and listen to what it might be telling you. Even a few moments of pausing can help you feel more in tune with yourself.
Over time, sitting with emotions becomes less scary and more like a process of deepening self-awareness.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre For Effective Living
About the Author: Michelle Nortje (M.A. Clin Psych, B.Psych Hons, B.Ed.Psych Hons, BA) is focused on establishing a therapeutic relationship that is safe, trusting and supportive. Michelle aims to use integrated psychological tools and approaches in order to help her clients make sense of their difficulties, gain insight into their patterns of behaviour and relating, and work towards co-constructed and workable goals. She uses Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Positive Psychology, mindfulness-based approaches, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Attachment theories and psychodynamic theories in order to tailor the therapy to best suit the client’s needs.
Feature image: Canva
