By: Nicola Hodreng
For many years, self-esteem was considered the holy grail of mental health. If we could just feel better about ourselves, we would be happier, healthier, and more resilient.
And while self-esteem does have benefits, research has shown it also comes with pitfalls. Self-compassion, a more sustainable alternative, offers the same advantages without the drawbacks.
The Limits of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is typically based on how well we’re doing compared to others or against our own expectations. It often rises when we succeed, but plummets when we fail. In this way, self-esteem can feel fickle.
- Efforts to boost self-esteem sometimes involve unhelpful strategies:
- Making social comparisons (“At least I’m doing better than them”).
- Striving for perfection to prove our worth.
- Avoiding risks for fear of failure.
Research also shows that high self-esteem can sometimes be linked with narcissism and defensiveness, where protecting a positive self-image becomes more important than growth or relationships.
The Self-Compassion Difference
Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion doesn’t rely on achievements or comparisons. Instead, it’s about offering ourselves care whether we succeed or fail. This makes it a stable source of support, not something that comes and goes depending on performance.
Self-compassion is defined by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff as treating ourselves with kindness, recognising our common humanity, and staying mindful in difficult moments.
Key benefits of self-compassion include:
- Less contingent self-worth: Your value doesn’t depend on being the “best” or always succeeding.
- Fewer social comparisons: You can celebrate others without it diminishing you.
- No link to narcissism: Self-compassion is about care, not ego.
- Resilience in hard times: It’s there when things fall apart, offering encouragement rather than criticism.
In short, self-compassion gives us all the psychological benefits of self-esteem – confidence, motivation, resilience – without the fragility or side-effects.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s TED Talk is a wonderful introduction if you’d like to explore further: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion.
Want to develop your self-compassion?
Cultivating self-compassion might sound abstract, but there are many simple practices. You might start by noticing your inner voice when you make a mistake: are you harsh and critical, or kind and understanding? Ask yourself “what would I say to a close friend I care about going through a difficult time?” Small shifts in how we talk to ourselves can make a big difference.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Canva
