By: Lauren Chee
How to let go of resentment is a question many people struggle with, especially when faced with deep emotional pain. The psychology of forgiveness is a growing field of research, offering hope to those who want to move forward without bitterness.
Recent studies show that forgiveness has many benefits for our wellbeing, and is a concept that does not necessarily have to be a religious experience.
In his book Forgive for Good, Dr. Fred Luskin, Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, presents compelling research showing that individuals who completed a forgiveness training program were better able to let go of resentment, reducing anger, depression, and stress. They also were found to experience higher levels of optimism, self-confidence, hope and compassion. These research findings are very interesting, as they suggest that forgiveness is a skill that anyone can learn.
What Forgiveness Is Not
To understand how to let go of resentment, and if forgiveness is a value you would like to move towards, it will be important to clear up some common misconceptions that can lead to unhelpful or unhealthy versions of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting something hurtful that happened. It does not involve dismissing or minimizing your feelings. It also does not mean we have to accept bad behaviour. Rather, an essential part of forgiveness is feeling and grieving the hurt and anger we feel. We absolutely cannot forgive without doing that. However, forgiveness is a process that will then help us move on in life. It prevents us from wasting our energy staying angry about things that we cannot change.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation, either. Reconciliation is a mutual process of repairing a damaged relationship; however, there are some situations where a person chooses to forgive someone and also decides that the relationship cannot continue. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to trust them again or keep them in your life; the choice of whether to reconcile is separate from the choice to forgive.
What Forgiveness Is
So how do you let go of resentment in a healthy, meaningful way? In the book Forgive for Good, Dr Luskin offers a powerful metaphor that describes the nature of forgiveness. Imagine the radar screen of an air traffic control room. Picture the planes in airspace that appear on screen. Your unresolved grievances are the planes that have been circling overhead for weeks or months. Many other planes have landed, but these ones remain in the air. Having extra planes on screen forces you to work harder, drains your energy, increases your stress and increases the chance for accidents. Letting go of resentment and forgiving someone is allowing those planes to finally land.
Forgiveness is about your healing – and not about the people who hurt you. Forgiveness is an active decision you choose to make. It is a trainable skill that anyone can learn to let go of feelings of resentment or bitterness. It is taking back your power. It is taking responsibility for how you feel. Resentment is like picking up a hot coal to throw at your enemy – without realising the person being hurt is you. Forgiveness is learning to let go of the hot coal, letting go of resentment and bitterness.
How To Let Go of Resentment: Next Steps
The research on forgiveness training is very hopeful. It suggests that forgiveness is a trainable skill. While the process of forgiveness can undoubtedly be incredibly challenging, it can also be life-changing. As always, if you would like support with letting go of feelings of resentment or bitterness, you are welcome to contact our team of Psychologists. If you would like to read more about forgiveness, here is a link to Dr Luskin’s 9 steps for letting go of resentment. Respectful boundary setting is another essential way to prevent feelings of bitterness rising; you can read more here.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Canva
About the Author: Lauren Chee is a psychologist who understands the importance of forming a caring therapeutic relationship with her clients, and uses evidence-based skills that can lead to positive and lasting change. She has a special interest in anxiety-related disorders, OCD, social skills, parenting and attachment, child mental health and learning difficulties.
