Three Common Habits that Lead to Self-Sabotage.

Most of us (and I include myself here) are instinctive blamers. When something goes wrong, it’s obvious whose fault it is. It’s theirs, and if it wasn’t for them, life would be so much better. The trouble is that every now and then we realise that that simply isn’t true. It is alleged that when asked the question “What’s wrong with the world?” the great G.K.Chesterton replied “I am”. You’ve completely missed the point if that makes you think we should blame Chesterton for everything! His counsel is wise. When looking for the cause of some wrong, at some point our eyes should turn inward, and we should ask the curious question, “In what way am I the mountain? In what way is my response the problem?” This becomes all the more pertinent when we ask why we don’t reach the dreams we aspire towards. We can usually rattle off a list of insurmountable obstacles. But what if the chief obstacle is your response, and you are engaging in the old rite of self-sabotage?

Longer term readers of this blog will know that I advocate that when we face a difficult scenario we run through a series of questions:

What is mine to carry? It’s true, not everything about this issue is likely to be my fault or my responsibility, but which parts are?

What is yours to carry? ‘Yours’ here refers to the other person or people involved in the situation. We don’t need to rescue others or to carry the load alone. It’s about objectively seeing who should carry what.

What is the systems to carry? Often we are in trouble because of poor system design. It’s sometimes not about individuals getting their act together but reshaping dysfunctional systems that were always going to fail.

What is God’s to carry? We ask this because much of life is completely out of our control, and we simply have to leave many things in God’s hands, though this should not be an excuse to stop doing what we should.

But there is a layer to work on beyond these four questions- and it often falls into the category of “what’s mine to carry?” When things persistently go wrong, or fall short of what we hoped for, we should be willing to ask “in what way is this about me and the way I am approaching things? Could it be that my response is the key issue here?”

First it is as well to note that we have an inbuilt tendency to self-sabotage. Paul writes of this in Romans 7:15-20 when he laments that he finds himself doing the things he hates. He cannot understand himself and acknowledges that without God, the chance of real and deep change is negligible. We shouldn’t dismiss Paul as being too gloomy. He has identified a deep truth. We should face our need for change with humility. We are unlikely to be able to do it alone.

It also helps to identify some of the more common forms of self-sabotage. Here are three I have spotted in myself – and I imagine you can add others to the list:

One: The mountain is me when I play the victim card. 

Don’t misunderstand me on this. We all have sad and unfair things happen to us. No – they aren’t divided up in equal measure. Some face dramatically more difficult scenarios than others. For all that, if I think of myself as primarily a victim I dramatically reduce the likelihood that my situation will ever change, because those who act like victims (regardless of if they are or not) tend to stay there. Far better to look reality in the face and to ask what options I have, and if I have used them. In more dramatic cases the only option could be through my inner reality – an inner reality that insists that I am not who you say and think I am, and that in my inner being I am free – even if outwardly I am in chains. But I am pushing this to the extreme and reality is usually a long way from there.

For most of us it’s realising that just because our first, and perhaps second and third choices are not available, does not mean we can’t still engage meaningfully with what is possible. We can shift our focus from what can’t be to what can be, and assume responsibility in this sphere. Perhaps you didn’t have an ideal childhood, or education, or were belittled and ridiculed… No need to pretend that that wasn’t hard and damaging, but what next? Deciding to get up is an intentional choice. It’s refusing to play the victim. And so many positive things happen when we make that life serving choice. We might have to identify an inner script that works against us. 

That’s why it’s self sabotage – that little voice that says, “You aren’t worth it; you can’t do this; you always mess up; as if you could turn it around.” We need to embrace our counter voice. “You say I’m not worth it. Just watch me. And you know what? It’s not your evaluation that I’m going to pay attention to anyway…” Then get up, look at the mountain, and climb each step one at a time. You are not a victim.

Two: The mountain is me when I fail to prioritise. 

This is an easier one to work with, but I’m surprised at how many don’t take it seriously. There are many things in life that matter, but they don’t matter equally. Don’t sweat the small stuff. So you misunderstood something and it was terribly embarrassing. So what? We’ve all been there. Move along! Don’t be so serious about yourself that you lose perspective. Ask if you are spending the bulk of your time and energy on things that actually matter to you. Name your priorities. If you don’t, you are likely to find yourself focusing on secondary matters.

Three: The mountain is me when I continue to build on an unstable foundation. 

You are probably aware of Jesus’ instruction to build our house on the rock, even though sand is initially an easier option (Matt 7:24-27). Building on sand can happen in different ways. I consult with many organisations and have often heard leaders say: “If we could go back to the drawing board we would never build our company this way. But history is what it is and so we carry on as we always have.” And a year later it is even more of a problem, and five years later – well sometimes they aren’t around in five years – for the problems they refused to rectify have now consumed them.

People do this in so many ways. Often we run away from difficult conversations – but they are the conversations that open up a path to the future. Or we learn to live with a problem, rationalising that it is not worth the effort to put it right. What we fail to calculate is the compounding impact over time. It’s worth asking if you keep justifying some things even though you know they are not justifiable. We often come up with the most elaborate excuses to retain the status quo rather than face the temporary discomfort of putting things right.

These are certainly not the only mountains of our own creating, and I imagine you could add many more (and feel free to in the comments). But I wanted to get us thinking and to ask the curious question: If this week I stopped blaming and asked “In what way is my response the problem” what might I start to do differently? Why not take the risk?

Article supplied with thanks to Brian Harris.

About the Author: Brian is a speaker, teacher, leader, writer, author and respected theologian who is founding director of the AVENIR Leadership Institute, fostering leaders who will make a positive impact on the world.

Feature image: Canva

Diagnosing greed and seeking God’s help with replacing it is one of the most important things that we can do.

Here are 5 questions to help you work out if you want more than you need:

Do you know what we do not talk about? Greed.

Do you know what we really do not talk about? Whether what we call “ambition” or “success” or “expansion” is, in fact, our own greed.

Do you know what we should talk about? 

“Greed is wanting more and pursuing more [in] a really selfish, intense way than what we need or deserve,” defined Pete Burrows.

“It’s going after it, perhaps to the exclusion of other things as well.”

Anchored in biblical instruction from the Ten Commandments to 1 Timothy 6:6-10 and Hebrews 13:5, these five questions could take you less than one minute to get through.

But spend as much time as you need to honestly challenge yourself on greed.

The ‘Am I Greedy’ Test

1. Am I never satisfied, no matter how much I get?
2. Do I define success by money, not fruitfulness?
3. Do I spiritualise my spending?
4. Do I hold back from generosity?
5. Do I invite God into financial decisions?

God and Jesus celebrate faithfulness, generosity, fruitfulness and ‘godliness with contentment is great gain‘,

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

Feature image: Canva

It’s almost a cliché that therapists want to ask about your childhood. But have you ever wondered why we’re so interested?

It’s because childhood is the foundation of our inner world. Those early years are when we first start building a sense of self, learning how relationships work, and figuring out what the world is like. The impressions we form, either positive or negative, don’t just disappear. They echo into adulthood, sometimes in the form of encouragement, but sometimes as the harsh voice of an inner critic.

Where That Inner Critic Comes From

Many people are familiar with the inner critic, that voice that says things like, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’ll never get it right.” For some, this inner critic developed because of the messages they absorbed in childhood.

Psychologists call this internalisation. It’s when words, attitudes, or beliefs from others become part of our own self-talk. What started as someone else’s opinion can gradually turn into “this is who I am.”

Of course, not everyone grows up hearing negative or critical messages. Some children are surrounded by encouragement and warmth, which lays a different foundation. But for those who did experience prolonged criticism, neglect, or inconsistent care, internalisation can leave lasting marks.

Messages Aren’t Always Spoken Out Loud

It’s also worth remembering that not all messages are spoken out loud. Children absorb meaning from attitudes, behaviours, and situations just as much as from words. A parent’s constant irritation when a child needs help can be taken as “I’m a burden,”withdrawing affection after mistakes might feel like “I only deserve love if I’m perfect,” and being overlooked in favour of a sibling can quietly send the message “I’m less important.” These unspoken cues can be just as powerful in shaping self-worth as direct criticism.

Why Childhood Messages Stick So Deeply

1. Kids’ brains are still developing
   A child’s brain is wiring itself at an incredible pace, making them especially open to influence. What they take in, whether words, behaviours, or subtle cues, literally helps shape the brain’s patterns for thinking, feeling, and reacting.
2. A still-forming sense of self
   As mentioned previously, children don’t yet have a clear boundary between “what others say or show me” and “who I am.” Because their identity is still fragile and flexible, outside labels or attitudes can easily harden into self-concept.
3. Caregivers are powerful “truth tellers”
   Parents and caregivers don’t just guide; they define reality for a child. Their responses carry enormous weight and are often taken as fact.
4. Sometimes, a coping strategy
   In difficult situations, some children may find it less frightening to think “I’m the problem” than to confront painful truths like “my parents don’t love me.” While this kind of self-blame helps a child make sense of things, it can create long-term self-criticism.

The Impact of Childhood Experiences

For people who did internalise negative messages, those early experiences can grow into a strong inner critic that lingers into adulthood. Even when life circumstances improve, the echoes of those words may continue to influence confidence, relationships, and self-worth.

How to Loosen the Grip of the Inner Critic

1. Notice the voice
   When self-criticism shows up, pause and ask: “Whose voice is this? Is it mine, or something I picked up long ago?”
2. Reframe the message
   Try swapping harsh judgments with something kinder. Instead of “I’m such a failure,” try “This is hard, but it doesn’t define who I am.”
3. Practice self-compassion
   Treat yourself the way you’d treat a good friend: with patience, understanding, and encouragement.
4. Seek support if needed
   For some, the inner critic runs deep. Therapy can help untangle those old patterns and support healthier ways of relating to yourself.

Not everyone grows up with the same kind of messages. Some are fortunate to receive mostly positive, encouraging voices, while others carry the weight of harsher ones. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, it’s worth remembering: the voices you internalised as a child don’t have to define you as an adult. By becoming aware of them, reshaping your inner dialogue, and practicing self-compassion, you can quiet the critic and create a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

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Think back to a time when you were misunderstood.

What did you do next? Did you blame the others involved, either out loud or internally?

Or did you try what author Caroline Spencer suggests – in the title of her new book, Getting Over Yourself?

As Caroline said in our interview, she promotes “getting over yourself” by being deliberate, structured and disciplined about reflecting upon our interaction with others. If we pursue these opportunities for personal growth, she says, it can help us to live “more in tune with our principles and values”.

“For me, as a follower of Jesus, that means becoming more like him,” Caroline said.

The Four Stages of Self Reflection

Having spent years as a Christian communicator and leader with City Bible Forum and Moore College , Caroline says she has been diligent in her own process of letting go of self.

“I work on a healthy self-reflection habit,” she said. “I pick an experience I have had that bothers me for some reason, and there are four stages which I do.”

As outlined in detail in Getting Over Yourself, Caroline’s stages of self-reflection include scrutinising the experience, recognising what was important to her at the time, and assessing opportunities for growth.

“As a follower of Jesus, how does the Bible want me to live. [I ask myself] is there some sort of gap there in terms of how I was in that experience?” she said.

Such thorough self-examination can lead to changed behaviour in future interactions.

Caroline gave the example of how much she had recently ruminated on a meeting where she felt misunderstood.

Applying the steps of Getting Over Yourself helped her to realise the emphasis she had placed on being understood by all.

Further, she “looked for the good” from the experience, to combat her drift back toward its negative elements.

Encouraging us to “get over yourself” in all areas of life, Caroline has noticed changes in the outcomes of her interactions.

“Doing the self-reflection teaches me to ask more questions of my experiences, to challenge my assumptions, and to try to see things from different points of view,” Caroline said.

“I’ve noticed that I have taken those learnings into conversations with people. I’m better at listening now. I’m better at asking questions and hopefully making less assumptions.”

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

Feature image: Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash