The simple gift of being truly present with someone matters more than you think.  

When tragedy strikes, the most powerful thing we can offer isn’t advice or solutions, it’s simply being present and creating a safe space. 

Wayside Chapel CEO Jon Owen, chaplain and author Raewyn Elsegood, and i4Give co-founder Danny Abdallah explores what it means to support others during their darkest moments.

Creating Safe Spaces to Collapse 

Jon operates from a simple but profound philosophy at Wayside Chapel: “No one is a problem to be solved, they’re a person to be met.”  

During difficult times, people can feel like they’re falling without anything to grab onto. Jon says that people need safe spaces where they’re allowed to collapse and be whatever they need to be in their moments of vulnerability. 

“If someone walks away feeling met rather than worked on, then we open up the possibility that we might have a day where change could begin to happen,” Jon explains. 

People in crisis often believe their pain is unique and that no one will understand them. Rather than trying to convince them otherwise, Jon simply sits alongside them. He says the principles of presence and listening hold true regardless of someone’s background – we’re all members of the family of humanity. 

The Courage to Step Forward 

Raewyn continues saying presence is the foundation of support. While many people want to run away when disaster strikes, chaplains are trained to step forward into tragedy and simply be present. 

“The second critical skill is listening,” she says. As friends, we often try to empathise by sharing our own experiences, inadvertently making it about us.  

When helping people experiencing difficult times, Raewyn says we need to remove our story from the picture and listen long enough to understand the actual needs of the people we are trying to support. 

“It’s not about us or our story. We’re just there to be present and to listen,” says Raewyn, when explaining how to be a comforting presence. 

Presence, listening, and referral to people who can help form the core of effective support. 

The Human Spirit in Action 

Danny speaks from lived experience. On February 1, 2020, a drunk driver killed his three children – Antony, Angelina, and Sienna – along with their cousin Veronique. Two days later, his wife Leila publicly forgave the driver, shocking the world. Through their foundation i4Give, Danny and Leila now teach about forgiveness, not as something that removes grief or pain, but as something that helps you move forward. 

What Danny witnessed in the aftermath was the beauty of the human spirit. Meals and other essential daily needs were provided for up to six months, the community stepped in completely. This taught Danny something crucial about support: don’t wait to be asked, just show up. 

“Don’t feel the need of not intruding – intrude,” Danny says. “The phone call that says, ‘Hey mate, I’m just checking in on you,’ are the most wonderful words you could hear in the midst of someone’s pain.” 

Danny now works as a prison chaplain, and his journey taught him that there are no winners when tragedy strikes. Mothers grieve children lost to accidents, but other mothers grieve children lost to prison. Forgiveness, he’s learned, is where healing can begin. 

Ultimately, supporting people through tough times isn’t about having solutions or shared experiences. It’s about showing up, listening without agenda, and creating safe spaces for people to be fully human in their pain.  

If you or someone you know needs support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. 

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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The benefits of getting back to basics and focusing on what truly matters.

Our lives have become so busy and full of clutter that people often feel overwhelmed despite trying many complicated solutions and self-help fads.​ Adrian Munro from Richmind WA sees a simpler path to well-being.

Marriage and Family First

Adrian views relationships as concentric circles, with his wife and kids at the very centre. These closest relationships deserve the bulk of available time and energy outside of work. He and his wife are both reading books to focus on a flourishing marriage, while he also reads about parenting boys to be more deliberate and proactive.​

Friendships Take Intention

Beyond immediate family, friendships and community connections matter for emotional health. Lives can become busy on autopilot, leading to social isolation despite surface-level activity or online contacts. Being deliberate about real, face-to-face connections helps build the flourishing relationships everyone needs.​

Choosing Who Shapes Your Life

The outer circles include extended family, community friends, and more distant work acquaintances. Sometimes busyness with outer circles crowds out time for those closest in. Many people also carry fractured relationships in inner circles, but Adrian empathises with that pain while noting pathways back are often possible.​

Keep Learning, Keep Growing

Adrian invests in being the best husband and father he can be, knowing strong marriage and family ties will feel most meaningful later in life. Becoming so busy that priorities get skewed happens easily when saying yes to every catch-up. Proactive steps like reading and planning keep those key relationships healthy.​

Factors like financial stress, technology and busyness add clutter that harms wellbeing.

Takeaway: Back to Basics

Adrian’s challenge is to find ways to declutter time, money, technology and relationships. Ask yourself:

• Who are the friends and family lifting me up?
• Where can I invest more time and attention?
• What is one small way I can be a better spouse, parent, relative or friend?

Simple, timeless principles like prioritising family, slowing down, and building community lead to lives that truly flourish.

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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Why being heard matters more than we realise.

Most people have experienced the feeling of speaking while having a sense that they are not truly being listened to. The words seem to fall to the ground, and the conversation can feel almost like it’s one-sided. It is an experience that is often painful. But why?

The answer extends beyond simple frustration. In those moments, the mind is often trying to make sense of what it is experiencing. Thoughts may emerge such as, Maybe I’m not very interesting. Others may interpret the experience as disrespectful. Alternatively, there may be recognition that the other person is distracted by something unrelated to the conversation.

These different interpretations reflect more than individual thinking styles. They point towards a common human need: the desire to be heard, understood, and accepted. Psychological research consistently suggests that people have a fundamental need to belong and feel connected with others. When someone listens with genuine attention, it communicates, Your thoughts matter. You matter. Conversely, feeling ignored can create a sense of disconnection, regardless of whether the other person’s inattention was conscious or not.

The opposite experience can be profoundly powerful. Being listened to without judgement, assumptions, or the immediate urge to offer solutions often creates a sense of being genuinely known. Research on therapeutic relationships has repeatedly shown that feeling understood and emotionally validated can assist in reducing distress. Often, the simple experience of being heard is more healing than receiving advice.

Ideas to support feeling heard

Cultivating these experiences begins with recognising that not every relationship has the same capacity for emotional connection. Some people consistently demonstrate empathy and attentiveness, while others may struggle to offer these qualities for a variety of reasons. Investing in relationships that have shown the capacity for genuine listening is more likely to foster meaningful connection.

There are also seasons when finding someone who feels safe to talk to can be difficult. In those moments, patience and self-compassion become important. Deep relationships often develop gradually rather than after one or two conversations.

Equally important is the opportunity to become the kind of listener that many people long for. Genuine listening involves giving full attention, seeking to understand before responding, and resisting the impulse to immediately solve the problem. More often than not, people first need to feel understood before they are ready to consider advice.

Being heard is a powerful human experience. It strengthens connection, supports self-worth, and lets people know that they do not have to carry life’s challenges alone. It is both a gift to receive and one to be given, creating greater belonging and meaning in everyday life.

The Centre for Effective Living is an award-winning Psychology and Well-Being practice serving the Upper North Shore of Sydney.

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It starts with a listening ear.

It’s not only the ‘needy’ in our community who benefit from a helping hand. We all need help from time to time, and it can also do us good to be the help that someone else needs, but what is the best way to extend a hand of friendship?

Listening is the best place to start!

CEO of Wayside Chapel, Jon Owen; CEO of Entrepreneurial and Small Business Women Australia, Amanda Rose; and aged care chaplain, Jenny Blok, discuss what it means to lend a helping hand.

Amanda explains that the best helping hand is the one that comes from the heart and goes unseen.

She says that a helping hand is being there when no one else is. People can fuss over someone who has had an accident or done well in business, but when times are tough, often those initial ‘helpers’ are nowhere to be seen. That’s the time to step in privately and give a helping hand.

Jenny adds to this, drawing on her experience in the aged care sector where, she says, offering a helping hand to the elderly is the same as any other stage in life. She emphasises the importance of listening first.

“I think we need to be asking permission as well because we can step in thinking that this person needs us … (but) they’re quite capable of doing things themselves! We don’t want to take away their independence.”

Jon agrees and shares some practical advice he gives to volunteers when they first come to lend a helping hand at Wayside Chapel.

“People just need you to love them … so bring a fresh pair of socks. The moment someone is sharing with you about what it’s like to sleep rough and you’re tempted to download your wisdom, take that fresh pair of socks and shove them in your mouth and just listen.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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What makes a marriage last?

It seems like everywhere we look today there is a new “marriage hack” promising to solve all our problems. Social media projects picture-perfect, storybook marriages all over our feed, convincing us this should be reality. And when we look back at our own marriages and see struggle and conflict, we are left feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled. But the strongest marriages aren’t built on clever life hacks or perfect compatibility. They’re built intentionally, one decision at a time.

Pastor Greg Laurie reminds us that healthy marriages don’t happen by accident. They are cultivated through God’s design and a daily commitment to choosing one another. As Greg puts it, “If you see a marriage that is strong, it’s because they’re working on their marriage. They’re not taking their hand off the wheel.”

Why Do Marriages Drift Apart?

Very few marriages fall apart overnight. More often, distance develops through busy schedules, competing priorities and slow neglect of the relationship. We assume our spouse knows how much we love them, so we stop expressing it. Before long, we’re simply managing life together rather than intentionally building a relationship.

Strong marriages don’t casually drift towards health. They grow because two people spend intentional time investing in one another.

Greg reminds us that every healthy marriage requires ongoing care. Just as you wouldn’t expect a garden to flourish without tending it, a marriage won’t thrive if it’s left on autopilot.

God’s Design Was Always Relationship

Marriage wasn’t humanity’s idea, it was God’s. Greg shares that according to the Bible, “we are built for relationship with one another.”

In Genesis 2, after creating Adam, God declares, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Everything else in creation had been called “good,” yet Adam’s loneliness was the first thing God described as “not good.”

Marriage wasn’t created simply to make people happy. It was God’s loving provision for companionship, partnership and mutual support.

Greg explains that Eve wasn’t created because Adam needed someone to complete household tasks. She was created as “someone who assists another to reach fulfilment.” Together, Adam and Eve reflected God’s intention that men and women flourish through faithful relationship.

When we realise that marriage isn’t just a cultural or “man-made” tradition, but a covenant created by God, it completely reshapes how we approach relationship.

Leave, Cleave and Keep Choosing Each Other

One of the Bible’s most practical principles for marriage comes from Genesis 2:24:

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Greg points out that “marriage begins with the leaving of other relationships.” That doesn’t mean abandoning our families but recognising that a new primary relationship has begun. Our spouse becomes our first earthly priority.

Then comes cleaving. The word means to cling, to hold fast or to be joined together. Greg compares it to superglue. Not in the sense of being “stuck” with someone, but of choosing to hold tightly to one another through every season of life.

Healthy marriages aren’t built on grand romantic gestures alone. They’re built through thousands of small decisions to keep choosing each other every day. Greg encourages us to “have intimacy and closeness and friendship in this marriage that you can cultivate and keep alive forever.”

A Strong Marriage is More Than Romance

Culture often tells us that love is primarily about feelings. It’s all about romance, desire and physical attraction. And if the feelings fade, then the relationship wasn’t meant to be. But biblical love offers a radically different perspective.

Romance is a wonderful gift, but feelings naturally rise and fall. Biblical love is rooted in commitment long before it’s rooted in emotion. It chooses faithfulness when life becomes difficult. It continues serving even when it’s inconvenient.

Greg reminds us that “marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church.” As husbands sacrificially love their wives and wives respond with honour and respect, they display the gospel to the world around them. And when we realise this, we learn to understand that marriage is not just about our own happiness but reflecting God’s faithful love to the world.

Daily Choices Create Strong Marriages

There is no secret formula for a strong marriage, no “marriage hack” that will suddenly make your life easier. There is, however, a daily choice.

Strong marriages are built by couples who keep showing up for one another. Even when it’s hard, they keep communicating, they keep laughing and they keep praying.

But Greg reminds us of the ultimate truth, “our greatest needs are not fulfilled in marriage, our greatest needs are fulfilled in Jesus.” Jesus is the centre of our marriages, not just someone we turn to when things go wrong. When Christ is at the centre of a marriage, love becomes less about getting our own way and more about serving one another. That’s where lasting strength is found.

The secret behind a strong marriage isn’t perfection. It’s two imperfect people, trusting God’s perfect design and choosing, day after day, to keep their hands on the wheel.

Article supplied with thanks to Vision – a non-profit, follower-funded Christian media ministry taking God’s Word to every corner of Australia and beyond through broadcast, online and print media.

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The skill most of us get wrong

Warren Davies shares about the difference between listening and just hearing someone, beginning by painting a picture of the difference, using his line of work as an example.

Ting Symbol

“I first came across the concept doing a domestic violence course with Lifeline and there was on a page a Chinese symbol and it’s the Ting symbol which is the symbol of listening more than just you know hearing. It is where you are listening with your whole body.”

He explained that this involves listening not only with your ears, but also eyes and heart; giving that person your undivided attention and respect.

“I always thought I was a really good listener too and I think most of us do. We sit there, we nod, we wait for our turn to actually speak. Do we really hear the words, or do we just give responses that sound right?”

Words Matter Least

Warren said he was really challenged by this thought, especially working in the disaster recovery space.

“Those five key areas are really what it takes, listening with your ears is more than words. We all hear the words but it is often the least important part.”

He explained that listening to the person’s tone of voice, how they are talking, even a slight crack in the voice.

“They might say, ‘I’m fine,’ but you really know that they’re really screaming out the opposite.”

The Signs We Can See

He listed an example of a young vet that came up to him. The bushfire had taken a heavy toll on her and she exhibited most of those signs.

“I picked it up straight away just with my eyes. I was listening to her but my eyes were seeing that she was avoiding eye contact, her shoulders were dropped and her hands were fidgeting and she was hardly staying still.”

He said it is more important to hold space for the person than to interject or jump in to try and fix it or compare stories.

“You’ve got to suspend judgment because real listening asks you to put your own story.

“The most important part of listening with your whole body is the heart,” said Warren.

“That’s where the real connections are made. You’re really connecting with that person. It is important when it comes to heavy conversations and you really have to be listening to what that person’s saying, but more than just with your ears.”

He said it is more important to hold space for the person than to interject or jump in to try and fix it or compare stories.

“You’ve got to suspend judgment because real listening asks you to put your own story.

“The most important part of listening with your whole body is the heart,” said Warren.

“That’s where the real connections are made. You’re really connecting with that person. It is important when it comes to heavy conversations and you really have to be listening to what that person’s saying, but more than just with your ears.”

1. Give Undivided Attention

“One of the things that I’ve realised is you don’t have to have answers and advice to many of these tough questions. Most of the time we’ve just got to hold space and just you don’t have to say anything. That presence of being there and that person knowing that you’re giving them your undivided attention, you’ve got their back is more than enough.”

2. Be Present

“I’ve learned that people are not looking for answers or solutions and some of them are in pretty dark places.”

3. Hear Them

“They’re just needing someone to truly listen to them to be seen and heard. I’ve learned that listening is not a passive thing. It is an active, intentional, powerful thing that you can do for someone else that’s really important. It’s not about having the right words but making them feel genuinely heard and not judged.”

4. Don’t Rush Them

“Don’t dismiss their thoughts or opinions. Don’t rush them to finish a thought. Give them permission to keep going. Some people are feeling really defeated; there are a lot of heavy challenges in the world at the moment.”

He added, that in his line of work in bushfire relief, people are having a lot of difficult conversations, and it is something he comes into contact with a lot.

“You don’t have to have the words to interject or put into that conversation. You’ve just got to let them talk.”

The Unbreakable Farmer

“One of the things I’ve been intentionally doing, particularly in the bushfire, you know, working in the bushfire recovery is that I’ve been trying to articulate my thoughts and my feelings and what I’ve been seeing into words, either on my social media or my blog.”

“The most important questions you can ask someone in a day is, ‘How are you going?’ But most of us now just are too busy and don’t have the time to even stop and listen to the answer,” said Warren.

“Being able to have the presence to stop and listen could change that person’s day. So we need to listen with our whole body, not just our ears.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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Must we be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy?

We live in a culture that deeply romanticizes exhaustion. We are taught that to be a “good” person—a good partner, parent, friend, or colleague—we must be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy.

But there is a radical paradox at the heart of human well-being: the choices that feel the most selfish on the surface are often the most generous things we can do for the world. When we look closely at emotional health and sustainable living, we find that real resilience requires us to embrace a few beautiful, counter-intuitive truths.

Paradox #1. Boundary Drawing is Not Selfish, It is Loving

We often avoid setting boundaries because we fear looking cold or withholding, stretching ourselves thin to keep the peace. However, unsustainable enmeshment in relationships inevitably leads to resentment and eventual rupture. Whether it is navigating a relationship with a domineering parent, a friend who constantly takes without giving, or an entitled grown-up child, feeling that your emotions and thoughts are not respected is a recipe for burnout.

In order to remain genuinely connected to the people in your life, you have to make the dynamic sustainable for yourself. Boundary drawing isn’t a wall to shut people out; it is a clear map that defines where you end and they begin, preserving the relationship by preventing the slow burn of hidden frustration.

It is ultimately far more loving to offer an honest, compassionate “No” that protects the bond than a resentful, exhausted “Yes” that quietly erodes it. Clear boundaries eliminate guesswork, allowing you to show up with genuine presence rather than out of a sense of draining obligation. By protecting your own emotional capacity, you ensure that the time and care you do give are authentic, resilient, and built to last.

Paradox #2. Detaching From Others’ Reactions Empowers You to Care Deeper

It sounds noble to absorb everyone’s emotional weather and care deeply about their immediate opinion of you, but people-pleasing is an act of emotional survival rather than genuine connection. When your primary focus is managing how others perceive you or personalizing their unpredictable moods, your energy is entirely consumed by anxiety and internal performance.

Ironically, refusing to personalize others’ emotions frees you up to care for them with far more depth. When you stop treating people as judges to be impressed or problems to be fixed, you clear out the mental noise and can finally see them as human beings to be heard.

Furthermore, if your self-worth is not tied to their immediate emotional state, you can handle their heavy emotions, disappointments, or conflicts without collapsing, overreacting, or getting defensive. Detaching from their approval isn’t about becoming callous; it is about becoming a steady, anchored presence. You are able to love people for who they are in that moment, precisely because you aren’t waiting for them to validate you or fix your own anxiety.

Paradox #3. Resting is Not Lazy, It is the Ultimate Efficiency

We tend to view rest as a luxury or a reward for hard work, something we are only allowed to do once an impossible to-do list hits zero. However, the human brain and nervous system do not operate on a linear scale, and constant grinding quickly yields diminishing returns that lead to foggy thinking, critical mistakes, and emotional volatility. True rest is not a waste of time; it is incubation. Stepping away from the desk or taking a weekend to completely unplug is the very mechanism that sharpens your focus, sparks creativity, and prevents the catastrophic downtime of full burnout.

When you rest, your brain actively processes information, consolidates memory, and regulates stress hormones. True efficiency isn’t about how many consecutive hours you log; it’s about the quality of energy you bring to those hours. Ultimately, rest is not the absence of productivity, but the essential biological framework that makes sustainable productivity possible in the first place.

Paradox #4. Acknowledging Your Vulnerability Makes You Deeper and Safer

We often hide our struggles or assume that admitting we don’t have it all together makes us look weak, incompetent, or fragile. In reality, relentless perfectionism creates emotional distance and signals to others that flaws are unacceptable, while vulnerability creates genuine safety and connection.

When you drop the exhausting act of having everything figured out and honestly acknowledge your human limits, you break down walls and give the people around you permission to drop their heavy armor too. This shared authenticity transforms relationships from superficial performances into deep, resilient bonds, ultimately making you a much safer, more grounded, and trustworthy presence for your family, friends, or colleagues.

Paradox #5. Lowering Your Immediate Standards Often Raises Your Long-Term Impact

The cultural belief that you must give 110% to every single task, every single day, is a direct recipe for mediocrity and burnout. Giving maximum effort to everything means you are scattering your focus and giving nothing your true genius. Embracing “strategic under-achievement”—deliberately choosing to let low-stakes, non-essential balls drop, such as maintaining an immaculate house or instantly responding to every casual email—is not about failing, but about prioritizing.

By intentionally lowering your standards on things that matter less, you actively preserve the deep psychological and physical energy reserves required to hit a home run on the few high-stakes goals that truly define your long-term legacy and impact.

Conclusion: Let’s Fill the Cup First

Ultimately, every single one of these counter-intuitive shifts points to a singular, unyielding truth: you cannot give what you do not have. We have been conditioned to believe that self-sacrifice is the ultimate measure of love and efficiency, but trying to pour from an empty cup is a biological and emotional impossibility. When we refuse to rest, protect our boundaries, or detach from external validation, we aren’t actually giving more to the world—we are simply offering it the bitter, exhausted residue of our resentment and fatigue.

Looking after yourself first is not a luxury, nor is it a detour from your responsibilities; it is the absolute prerequisite for them. If your goal is to love deeply, care authentically, and make a meaningful, long-term impact on the people around you, then protecting your own mental and physical well-being is the most radical, effective, and loving act of service you can perform.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Jennifer Chu is a psychologist who is passionate about therapy, experienced in a range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social adjustment issues, stress management, and cross-cultural issues and more.

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What healthy friendships really look like at every stage of life

“Healthy friendships are all about mutuality,” says psychologist, Collett Smart. “It’s about being on that even field where one isn’t more important than the other.”

Collett discussed healthy friendships with Nathan Brewer, a youth worker; and Ian Barnett, the founder of the National Grandparent Movement.

Across the stages and ages of life, our life choices and circumstances will influence the friendships we look for. Some friendships we make are deep and long-lasting, others are only for a season. But no matter our circumstances, the signs of a healthy friendship are the same.

What does a healthy friendship look like?

When asked what a healthy friendship looks like, Collett described her best friend, and says the strength of their friendship, and any healthy friendship, is there is no judgement.

“When I’m with Lorraine … whatever I tell her, she’s not going to judge me in my freak-out moments, or my darkest moments. She’s there to listen, she’s really open. She doesn’t judge me if I don’t text her fast enough. We pick up where we left off.”

Collett also refers to the work of psychologist, Professor Prinstein, who uses the analogy of a ladder for unhealthy friendships, and the playing field for healthy friendships.

There can only be one person at the top of a friendship ladder, and clinging on no matter what it takes is not healthy for anyone; not for the person on top, or the people striving to be at the top.  But on a friendship playing field, everyone enjoys mutual respect and an even footing.

Teenagers are particularly susceptible to unhealthy friendships, says Nathan.  When a power balance is at play, he says, young people find themselves on the unhealthy friendship ladder instead of the healthy playing field.

“A healthy friendship is quite inclusive and wants more people to join that circle, where an unhealthy friendship is often, ‘it’s just you and me’, at the expense of your other friends … Things that the child or teenager used to love, they kind of grow cold against because of the friendship.”

As we age, says Ian, our friendships will inevitably endure disagreements and differences of opinion, but in a healthy friendship, these struggles are always broached with mutual respect. A lifetime of experience and maturity bring the benefit of wisdom to these situations.

“There are certain relationships you have to maintain, but as you get older, there are certain things that you realise, ‘That is not helpful for me’ … It’s OK to say yes, and it’s OK to say no. We need to work out how to build confidence in not worrying about what ‘they’ will think.”

Knowing our boundaries, and learning how to respectfully communicate them, are essential pieces of the puzzle for healthy friendships. Good friends will respect those boundaries because they want the best for us, no matter how our friendships shift and change.

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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What makes some families bend while others break?

Ever wondered why some families seem to be so capable, so stalwart, so brave, seemingly unbreakable?

You might know one or two families who fit into this hallowed zone in your mind. They are the family that, no matter how terrible life gets, somehow manages to stick together and get through it.

On the other hand, you probably know other families who have broken apart for far less. It makes you scratch your head and wonder what are the ingredients for resilient families. Maybe you’re desperately wanting to master the skills it takes to become one of those families.

Well, the research is in and it’s both surprising and a little terrifying. So, buckle in, put on your mindfulness hat, take a deep breath and be ready for some good, old, honest reflection.

One in seven families

The Barna Group is a research organisation that studies culture, families and social trends. They recently ran a large study on families in the United States and their data reveals a sobering reality that’s applicable in Australia and New Zealand too.

Of the 37 per cent of respondents who are married with kids, only 14 per cent of them fell into Barna’s “Resilient” category, while more than a third are classified as “Fragile”.

When I first came across this statistic, I was horrified, but also not really that surprised. In 2024, the crude divorce rate was 2.1 divorces per 1000 people. As a result, many kids, myself included, have to deal with a lot of adult mess at a young age.

But how do you measure resilience?

Barna’s resilience framework identifies four key relational, emotional and spiritual traits that tend to appear in strong, healthy families.

• Shared values and beliefs that guide family life
• Open and healthy communication between spouses
• A deep emotional connection within the marriage
• Active engagement in community or faith-based practices beyond the household

Married parents are categorised based on how many of these traits they consistently exhibit:

• Resilient (all four): 14%
• Stable (three): 26%
• Struggling (two): 24%
• Fragile (one or none): 36%

While you might feel Barna is judging you and your family, these categories aren’t labels of success or failure. Rather, they offer insights for everyday family life, areas of strength and areas where support may be needed.

The three ingredients resilient families use

This isn’t about looking at the research and saying, “That’s it, our family isn’t going to make it”, but rather, “What can I learn about my family from this research, so that we can become resilient?”

Here are the three things to learn from resilient families.

1. Repair

If you think resilient families are perfect, you’re far from right. Resilient families have just as much drama, conflict and day-to-day stress as anyone else, but they practise something special: Repair.

When conflicts arise, which they inevitably will, they seek repair instead of avoiding, blaming, shaming and name-calling. Repair looks like everyone taking responsibility for their actions and addressing the relational tension directly, rather than letting it simmer under the surface.

Resilient families know by experience that unresolved issues will lead to volcanic emotions, which can cause catastrophic emotional damage. When this has occurred, it can be very hard for families to move forward in a healthy way, because of the further unresolved damage that has happened. To avoid all of this unnecessary pain, resilient families make it a habit to regularly repair.

This is about acknowledging the hurt certain actions may have caused and working together on a solution. While all of this might sound humiliating, especially when apologising to a child, it can be the difference between life and death for a family unit when practised consistently.

Good mental health doesn’t exist because of the absence of bad or challenging things, but because we have protective factors in place. We have safe people, safe places, ways to calm down, ways to problem-solve and healthy ways to relax.

It’s the same with resilient families. The negative effects of stress won’t go away, but the positive efforts of repairing and problem-solving as a family can make all the difference for the overall mental fitness of all the family members.

2. Seek support

Every family has unique challenges and resilient families are no different. The tool that resilient families use during hardship is support. When there is a significant distressing event like a loss or trauma, resilient families seek support for their mental wellbeing. This could look like external providers, such as psychologists or counsellors, or a trusted, safe friend.

Interestingly, families in the “fragile category” don’t seek support. They try to go it alone or believe even if they seek help, they won’t find it or it won’t be sufficient for their needs. Unfortunately, this mindset leaves them even more fragile and increases the strain on the family.

Resilience isn’t about being spared from hardship, it’s about not going through it alone. You don’t need to try to push through a mental health challenge as a lone ranger. There are so many services or programs out there that will most certainly help you if you choose to engage. You matter and you deserve support.

3. Engagement

Resilient families have another trick up their sleeves that keeps them together. They engage in their communities. Research has long shown that community engagement, socialising and being a part of a group of healthy people are crucial for mental wellbeing, compared to having little or no community involvement.

Resilient families know this and they engage with their community regularly. For some people, this looks like being part of a vibrant church. For others, it might be mothers’ groups, playgroups, sports clubs, surf lifesaving clubs, volunteering and more. The point is meaningful involvement with a healthy, safe group of people who are all contributing to the betterment of everyone else.

Find community engagement opportunities where you live and depending on the specific needs of your particular area, you might be able to contribute something really meaningful to your community. It’s great to include young children as it teaches them social and communication skills, and that others have needs that are just as important as their own.

Schools often offer opportunities for your family to get involved if you’re struggling to find a community. Older children and teenagers can also make great contributions to community groups and it’s amazing for building their confidence.

Resilient families make up resilient communities and this is a huge benefit for our social futures. Community helps everyone feel connected and have a sense of purpose, crucial for our sense of belonging and inclusion in society.

Your family can become a resilient family

The ingredients to become a resilient family—repair, support and engagement—offer hope because everyone can start practising repair, seeking support and plugging into a great community.

Wherever you find your family right now, even if it’s in the fragile category, you can flip that around. With the help of outside support while including your family as part of the solution, and by engaging in a healthy community, you can increase the chances of your family sticking together forever.

Article supplied with thanks to Mum’s At The Table

About the Author: Adriana is Mums At The Table’s part-time digital content creator and writes from Kingscliff, Queensland.

Feature image: Canva

If humans are wired for connection, why do relationships often feel like hard work or confusing?

Many clients have shared some version of this question with me. They notice themselves pulling away from people they care about, overthinking simple interactions, not feeling fully satisfied by relationships, or feeling flat or disconnected in moments that “should” feel warm. Sometimes we have a longing for closeness but no clear sense of how to move toward it. At other times, even the idea of connection feels really overwhelming, as if we’re not quite sure we have the energy required, or if it’s really what we want.

It’s easy then, in these moments, to draw critical conclusions: “I’m not good at relationships”, “I don’t really need people”, or “People don’t care about me.”

But what if the difficulty connecting isn’t about a lack of desire or motivation for building connection?

What if it has more to do with losing touch with the underlying system that helps us find our way toward it?

We Are Wired for Connection

Connection is not a preference or personality trait. It’s a fundamental biological human need.

Decades of research in attachment theory, developmental psychology, and neuroscience point to the same conclusion that human beings are regulated through relationships. For example, infants cannot stabilise their own nervous systems without a caregiver’s presence. Their heart rate, skin temperature, stress response, and emotional states are shaped through repeated interactions with another mind and body.

This need doesn’t just disappear in adulthood. Studies on co-regulation show that even as adults, our physiology, like our heart rate variability, stress hormones, and emotional arousal, continues to be influenced by safe, attuned contingent connection with others.

In this way, the pull toward connection is already built into our biological system. And yet, knowing we have the need for something doesn’t necessarily mean we know how to meet the need!

Feelings as a Kind of Compass

One way to understand this gap between knowing about a need and meeting it, is to look more closely at the role of feelings.

In affective neuroscience, feelings are not seen as vague, unimportant or “soft” experiences. They are understood to have been generated by evolutionarily old brain systems that track how well our needs are being met. Researchers like Jaak Panksepp and, more recently, Mark Solms, have described core affective systems (such as SEEKING, CARE, PANIC/GRIEF) in the brain that organise behaviour around survival and connection.

From this perspective, feelings function as a kind of special internal guidance system. Feelings signal when something matters, when something is missing, when something feels safe, or when something feels off.  In this way, help orient us toward what we might need and tell us if we are doing a good enough job of meeting that need.

For example, a sense of warmth might draw us closer. A flicker of discomfort might invite caution. A feeling of loneliness may nudge us toward reaching out.

When we are in contact with these feeling signals, connection is not something we have to think our way into, as we already have the map.

When Guidance Gets Disrupted

For many people, however, this internal system might not feel very clear or accessible.

Sometimes feelings are too intense. The nervous system can then become flooded or hyper-aroused, making closeness feel overwhelming or unsafe. In response, the system might have learned to downregulate too quickly (avoidance, shutting down, detaching).

At other times, feelings are muted or distant. There is reduced access to interoceptive signals or uncertainty about not really knowing what you feel. Without these signals, it becomes really difficult to know what we want, never mind how to move toward it.

There can also be misinterpretation. A surge of physiological arousal (like a racing heart, tight chest, or nausea) may be interpreted as danger, rather than as longing, excitement, or vulnerability. The body signals that something is important, but the mind categorises it as threat without exploring further.

And often, there is an internal conflict. The same person may activate both approach (seeking closeness) and avoidance (protecting from overwhelm), leading to a sense of push-pull; being drawn in and pushed away at the same time.

These patterns are not random flaws. They are learned adaptations to difficult and confusing experiences. The nervous system then over time simplifies our responses about how much feeling is tolerable, how it is interpreted, and whether it is safe to act on.

When Connection Becomes Something You Have to Figure Out

If feelings are what guide us toward connection, what happens when we can’t access or trust them?

Connection then starts to shift from something intuitively meaningful into something effortful or confusing.

Instead of sensing our way to meet the need, we try to over-think our way forward:

• Am I being too much?
• Do they actually want to hear from me?
• If I express this need will I be rejected?

Cognitive control steps in where this feeling guidance system is offline or uncertain. Interactions and connection can then become overanalysed or avoided altogether. Closeness may feel like something to manage carefully, rather than something to move into naturally.

Without access to our internal signals, connection becomes something we try to figure out like a tricky maths problem, rather than something we can feel our way into more organically.

The Misunderstanding

Sometimes, this can look like disinterest, detachment, or low capacity. But more often, it suggests a disruption in the feeling system that helps us recognise and respond to our own needs.

The longing for connection may still be there but the path toward it feels unclear.

So when we think something like “I don’t need people”, it’s more likely something closer to “I don’t know how to find my way to them from here.”

Relearning the Language of Feeling

If this is true, then the work is not about forcing connection by following set rules or ‘performing’ it more effectively. It is actually about slowly re-establishing contact with the internal signals that make connection possible.

This begins in very small ways:

• increasing awareness of bodily states (interoceptive awareness)
• naming emotional states, even when they seem vague (shown to improve emotional regulation)
• gradually expanding tolerance for feelings, rather than immediately avoiding or overriding them

For some, this process involves learning to stay with feelings that once felt overwhelming for just a little bit longer. For others, it might be discovering feelings that have long been out of reach.

This is about developing a different kind of relationship with one’s own internal world that is curious, patient, and gradually more trusting. And unfortunately, there is no quick fix method!

Finding a Way Back

In order to meet our inherent needs for connection then, it seems to require a rebuilding of trust in the internal system that helps us recognise what we feel, what we need, and what draws us toward others effectively.

The difficulty, then, is not that connection is unnatural or that we don’t need other people. It’s that, at one time or another, we all lose access to the very signals that help us find our way. And often, the path back to others begins with first feeling our way back into ourselves.

Feature image: Canva