Recently I was at my friend Brendan’s house preparing for a camping trip. One of my favourite things is getting away for the weekend—escaping the hustle and bustle of modern life, immersing myself in nature and exploring new places with friends—with the boys!

We had a few jobs to do with the vehicles and equipment before we hit the road. As we headed out to the shed, Brendan said to his three-year-old son, “Jonty, do you want to come out to the shed with Josh and I to help us?” Without hesitation Jonty threw his arms in the air, sprinting flat-stick towards the shed, and shouted with delight, “Maaaan stuff!”

That memory brings a smile to my face as I think about Jonty’s joy. But it also makes me wonder—what exactly is “man stuff”? More importantly, what does it really mean to be a man?

Defining Masculinity

This question can seem somewhat provocative in our current cultural moment. What is a man? Is it merely the possession of an X and Y chromosome? And perhaps more importantly, what is it that makes a man great?

Sometimes it can help to define what something is by looking at what it’s not. It’s easy to recognise when men fall short of the mark, when they fail to meet society’s expectations. The term “toxic masculinity” is used to describe when a man sinks beneath the ideal. But are all forms of masculinity toxic? Is there an ideal version that’s missing from the world today? 

First, Failure 

How do we know when men have failed? Throughout history there have been numerous great men that we have looked up to as ideals. And yet, even the greatest among them were imperfect. Perhaps you can recall a public scandal—a presidential affair or an elite athlete brought down by substance abuse. 

These are public examples, but many failures happen in private: fathers who abandon their families; boyfriends who physically or emotionally abuse their partner; men who use strength or power to dominate or manipulate. 

At their core, these failings come down to a lack of self-control—abusing power and strength at the expense of others, typically the vulnerable. That’s what I mean when I use the term toxic masculinity: dominating those who can’t fight back. 

But to be clear, it’s not just a male problem—it’s a human problem. Toxic humanity. The depravity of the human heart. Ultimately it boils down to self-centredness, self-preservation, anti-love—or as we Christians call it, sin. This problem plays out in our natural makeup of either masculine or feminine, but the root issue is the same.

To dig deeper would be beyond the scope of this article so I’m going to focus on the masculine side, which raises the question: why does this happen? What leads to the downfall of men?

Peter Pan Syndrome

One reason many men struggle is because of a lack of solid masculine role models in their lives. Psychologist Jordan Peterson refers to this as the “Peter Pan” syndrome. Peter Pan is an eternal child—full of potential—and that’s the problem. Peter Pan never grows up. You can hardly blame him, though. His model of manhood is none other than Captain Hook—a dangerous man, driven by fear of his impending demise, spiralling into chaotic and violent madness. Hook is hardly a role model worth aspiring to. 

And so, Peter’s potential remains unrealised. Sure, he’s king of the Lost Boys, but that’s hardly something to strive for. He has the opportunity to connect with a real girl, Wendy, yet instead prefers the company of Tinkerbell, the fairy. Sadly, that’s not far from reality today—a generation of young men who’d rather stay home with the comforts of OnlyFans than take the risk of pursuing something meaningful—and risky—with a real woman. After all, a woman on OnlyFans is always available and won’t reject your advances.

Where Do I Look?  

The best example I’ve found of healthy masculinity is none other than Jesus of Nazareth. This might surprise some, especially because of effeminate artistic depictions of Him throughout history. Despite this, I would argue that Jesus is the epitome of what it truly means to be a man.

Jesus was a first-century Middle Eastern tradesman, a countercultural revolutionary and a fearless man full of passion and empathy. He was a teacher, but also a voice for the voiceless and oppressed. He wasn’t petty. He was humble and patient, able to absorb cruelty without retaliation. Yet when it came to the oppressed, He was relentless—a defender of the defenceless and a liberator of the burdened. 

Jesus was a man in the truest sense of the word. So, what empowered Him to be the man He was?

He Who Has A Why

One of the defining features of Jesus’ life was His purpose. Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl once wrote, “He who has a why can push through any what.” In other words, having a clear purpose is vital for men to thrive—especially when navigating the inevitable obstacles and difficulties of life. Frankl observed that in the Nazi concentration camps, men who lost their sense of purpose were the first to crawl up in the corner and literally die. 

You may not be immediately threatened with death but without purpose, you’ll likely pursue pleasure—pleasure to distract yourself from the pain that comes from a meaningless life. Without purpose, you remain a boy, attempting to avoid the challenges of becoming like the men you once admired or have come to despise.

Throughout history, men have taken a stand when they had a clear “why”. Purpose enabled and transformed boys into men. From that foundation of a clear purpose flow courage, bravery and service.

Power Under Control

Being a man isn’t just about strength—it’s about strength under control. In the words of author Ty Gibson, “True masculinity is power under (self) control. It can then flash forward when it’s needed to defend the defenceless, but always under the control of righteousness and love.”

That’s true masculinity. It takes far more strength to control our temper than to fly off the handle in a fit of rage. It takes far more strength to serve than to be served. True masculinity is power under control—power to protect, power to serve, power to empower. When that power becomes self-serving and self-centred, it crosses into the realm of toxicity. 

In the words of 19th-century writer Ellen Write, “The greatest want of the world is the want of men—men who will not be bought or sold . . . men who will stand for the right though the heavens fall.”

Throughout history great men have stood against tyranny, liberated the oppressed, defended the powerless and sacrificed themselves for the good of others.

Strength in Numbers

One of the most detrimental misconceptions I held growing up was the belief that being a man meant going at it alone—suffering in silence. As I’ve matured, I’ve learned how detrimental that idea is. The truth is, it’s a sign of strength to ask for help. Motivational speaker Les Brown once said, “We ask for help, not because we are weak, but so that we can remain strong.”

In a world full of chaos, we need men who will stand—men willing to grow up, who will move on from Neverland and step into a life of purpose. The world needs men who not only live up to their potential but empower others to live up to theirs—not for their own glory, but for the greater good of everyone they encounter. 

It’s time for men to become more like Jesus.

This article is supplied with thanks to Signs of The Times

Joshua Newbegin is a coach, minister and communicator passionate about helping people grow through clarity, courage and connection. He is the founder of Kaizen Coaching Solutions and host of the Unchained Brotherhood podcast.

Feature image: Canva

Boys To Men?

The so-called whipping boys for our cultural sins these days are actual boys. We hear and read it all of the time. Boys are failing and men are wrong. So go the headlines. And there is much handwringing by the powers that be as they seek to address this.

Yet what if the solution is hidden in plain sight?  For every forced “consent class” that young men have to attend to in a school, it would seem there is another solution running parallel, but unremarked upon by the culture. So far at least.

Yet the anecdotal evidence is lining up with the stats. Failing boys and wrong men are turning up at our churches in increasing numbers across the West. As Jesus said, he didn’t come for the well, but for the sick. Those are the types that need a doctor.

And everywhere in the West for the past two decades, men – young men in particular – have been told that they are not simply sick, but that they are the disease.

Now it’s true, there’s terrible porn and there’s violence and what not. But there is terrible suicide and deep addictions and a “checking out” lifestyle that has seen young women streak far ahead of young men in a Western culture that is protected from much of the historical harshness that required young men.

Besides all of that, I meet many great young men, both Christian and non-Christian who are bombarded with this “you’re the problem” message almost every day. It’s as if we no longer believe the psychological reality that words spoken over us shape us in ways that we cannot imagine.

And then we put a smartphone in their hands in a way we would not put a rifle in their hands, and they subsequently put that phone to their heads and pull the trigger.

Yet if the Quiet Revival is true, then it would appear some sort of tipping point has been reached. So many articles in every major newspaper about how men were the problem, and about why men had distinct advantages over women was written in the context of middle class, inner city lawyer-land.  And very few solutions that actually work.

And if your mantra as a young man at school is that foundationally you are the problem, yet there is not grace or empowerment given to you other than to get in touch with more feminine qualities (whatever that actually means, given that gentleness etc is a fruit of the Spirit quality not a feminine one), then you might just start behaving according to typecast.

I remember being lectured about male privilege by a well educated young woman who had plenty going for her. I thought about her conversation as I lived my life in working class Perth watching blokes in hi-vis work gear drive middling to old cars to factories and production lines to sweat it out for average wages.  Didn’t look all that privileged to me.

Now of course, both things can be true at the same time. But when it comes to privilege itself, there is a whole lot more going on than mere gender. So it’s intriguing to see that a cohort of young men who have long been told they are not only privileged for being male, but are problematic for, well for being male, has started turning up at church.

The Tide of Men

Just yesterday I had a conversation with a Christian leader in England whose husband pastors a church. And once again I heard the same story I’m hearing all over the West – a significant influx of young men into their church in the past few years from zero Christian background.

This quiet revival thing is a thing.  The stats are linking up with the experiences. The experiences with the stats. And if the various tributaries start to flow into small rivers and then into water systems, this quiet revival may not remain so quiet.

There are many reasons for all of this, of course, not least of all the fact that the Holy Spirit – like the wind – blows where He wills. People are moving from death to life, darkness to light, not because of our programs or our agendas or our ways of structuring our churches, but because the Spirit is moving them.

Of course they need to hear the gospel and repent and believe. And that they are turning up to churches that teach the Bible, point to Jesus and offer a way of living that is in direct contrast to the world, is exciting to see.

I think about some of the tough young men with bad backgrounds who I know who became Christian 20 years ago. Their conversions broke long-term cycles of bad families, bad behaviour and bad outcomes. They now have families who are stable, jobs that are meaningful, and they live to serve others not themselves. It’s grassroots change.

Now of course I believe that top-down change is also important, and we see elite conversations about Christianity too. But the grassroots is equally important. And equally important for young men. It’s no secret that young men have been doing it worse than many other cohorts in recent years.

They’ve been going through major problems, yet the constant narrative is that they are the problem! So in The New York Times yesterday we get these two articles in the opinion pages next to each other:

And this one:

Perhaps those two opinion page writers could get together and compare notes. Figure out where it all started. But whatever the coming conversation in the media and among the secular players in the West in the coming decades, perhaps we are seeing this conversation being bypassed by young men who end up in our churches.

Perhaps we are seeing young men who end up having their lives, their goals, their desires turned around by the gospel which tells them that the problem is far deeper than The New York Times can diagnose, but that the solution is far better than The New York Times can offer.

Article supplied with thanks to Stephen McAlpine

About the Author: Stephen has been reading, writing and reflecting ever since he can remember. A former church pastor, he now trains church and ministry leaders, and in his writing dabbles in a number of fields, notably theology and culture.

Feature image: Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash